Entry: Coming Out As Cookie Feb 8, 2009



I am 32 years old... I have just recently separated from my husband of 8 years and we have a 5 year old daughter.

I think back all those years to when I was a little girl, and like some girls, I was not very feminine, played with matchbox cars, played street hockey, baseball, whatever sport it was I did it. I was always rough and tough, got into fights with boys, for treating my friends badly. I was their protector, well at least I thought so...

I went through high school easily, had many girl friends, but never really felt like I fit in. I never dated anyone in school, I did in the later years go out on a couple of movie dates, but they were one night events and never went anywhere.

When I got older, I was quite wild, played fastball, with some women I'm sure were gay. I never got involved, and started to have this feeling of being homophobic. I always felt this way, but as I got older, into the workforce, and had funny feelings about several female co-workers. But I shrugged it off, thinking it was just weird.

My husband and I have not been getting along well since my daughter was born. I was always doing everything, and had done since we got married. The household chores, looking after her, and doing stuff outside. I got really tired of feeling like a slave or servant. He never lifted a finger. Our intimate life seemed to be okay at first, before we had our daughter, but then like most women, my libido took a nose dive and I really never got it back up. I really wasn't interested in sex at all with him, and every time I was talked down to, or ended up doing more than my share of anything, I lost any reason to be intimate with him at all. The last two years of my marriage were hell. I really felt like we had grown apart, and felt like I had lost my identity. I still kept doing things that made me happy, but they weren't anymore. I was slowly sinking into depression. I was barely able to keep my head up at times, but I managed, with help from my family to go through this without medication.

I started going on the computer late at night, and one night I decided, for curiosity sake, to check out the lesbian chat rooms. I guess just to see what "lesbians" talk about. I was really nervous and found that most of the women in there, talked about normal things, or even problems with their children. I did end up talking to this woman from New York and got to know a little about her life. She was interesting to talk to, but had a lot of emotional problems.

Then there was this one woman that was very quiet, never said much, I was interested to get to know her for some reason. We finally started chatting and I found her to be very interesting. After not too long a time, she had given me her phone number, and I of course, had never revealed where I lived, like I was worried she would just show up someday. One day I decided that I had to hear her voice, so I phoned her, and she had such a wonderful voice and I loved the accent. I was really nervous, but after that phone call, I could not get her out of my head. I became further withdrawn from my family, including my parents. I was always talking to her on the phone or online. She was the focus of my world, and she made me feel so good about myself. Slowly I fell in love with her, loved who she was, how she made me feel.

I finally felt like me, the true me. I knew that I could not go on married to my husband, but I would fight tooth and nail for my daughter. After all the yelling and cursing, I finally had decided that I would wait until after Christmas to move out. I did finally move out with my daughter, and it has been the best move I could have made.

I am still in love with my beautiful woman more so than ever before. She makes me feel so complete and I want her to be a part of my life for eternity. We get along so well, are best friends, and I know that we are so good for each other. I am planning on a trip to visit her, and then hopefully in time she will be able to move in with me. I have never felt so happy in my whole life. I was so scared about telling my parents, friends and co-workers about how I felt, and now that I have come out, I have really found that I shouldn't have been so scared, because I have received so much support from everyone. My parents have been a godsend, without them I would have been totally lost.

My husband and I are headed for divorce court, and I don't believe that anything with him will be easy, now or in the future. All I know is that I will have a wonderful life with my daughter and my true love B. I am looking forward to this fresh start, and I have never felt so free... no more headaches, no more stomach problems. Just clear thinking, and knowing that what I did was the right thing. I am finally me... I found myself....

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